When I was in second grade my teacher partnered me with a little boy to practice counting money. In my mind I thought of him as the dirty boy. Maybe she knew I would not complain, but do just as she asked. I never wanted him to feel bad so we practiced with our nickels, dimes and pennies until we had it right.
On an 8th grade trip to Chicago I sat with a girl from a country school who my mother had told me was a foster child. I knew very little about foster children in the late 50's so was very curious why someone wouldn't have parents. There was the usual small town talk that someone was providing this girl with a nice dress to wear on the class trip. I remember her being very quiet on our bus ride. I wanted to be kind so did not pry into her life.
The teachings of being kind to those who have less came from my mother. I remember when a man came walking by our house. My mother was out raking and he asked if he could work for some food. Mom handed over the rake and went into the house and brought him out some lunch including blueberry pie.
I came face to face with how far I was willing to go to help someone on a spring trip this year with my husband to Florida. We were in the town of St. Augustine and walking on a shopping street in the historic district.
I noticed a man the first time down the street who I assumed was homeless. He was sitting on a bench watching people go by. At first glance I saw that he was wearing a gray shirt that had a burn hole in it. His hair was long and scraggly and he had a beard. He looked too skinny to be healthy and immediately I was concerned.
We passed him again as my husband wanted to go back to the car to see how much time was left on the parking meter. I decided to stay and go into a jewelery store. There I felt driven to do something I had never done before. Even though I consider myself a giver, I was indeed stepping out of my comfort zone.
I wanted to give the man some money, but didn't know what amount would be appropriate. I opened my purse and looked at a twenty, but decided to stick a ten in my pocket. After buying a piece of jewelry I was determined to at least talk to the man. As I approached him I noticed a well dressed woman sitting on the bench beside him handing him a cigarette. She moved away when I looked into his gray eyes and started a conversation. It went something like this:
Me- Where do you sleep at night?
Him- In the woods.
M - Isn't that difficult? Can't you get a room somewhere?
H - I have a sleeping bag. I get some meals over at the homeless shelter. It costs $7 for a bed. I don't always have that.
M- Can you work?
H- I was in a construction accident and couldn't work. No one will hire me now.
M- How old are you?
H- 61
M- You are close to social security age.
H- Yes, one more year,
M- You're pretty skinny - how are you feeling?
H- I had colon cancer,but I'm OK now...cancerous polyps. One time I was on the beach and a little boy found a mussel. I tried to open it with my fingers and couldn't so I put it in my mouth and swallowed it. It almost killed me.
M- What were you thinking? Were you born in Florida?
H- No, South Carolina.
M- Did you go to school?
H- I have almost an associates.
M- How do you manage?
H- Some people give me food and sometimes a bit of money.
M- I'm worried about you.
H- You can say a prayer.
I pulled the ten dollar bill out of my pocket and handed it to him. The light in his eyes and soft smile made me feel very emotional. "Bless you," he said.
I replied, "Get something to eat." As I turned and walked away I knew I had only helped for a moment. The money would be insignificant in his life. There was an indescribable feeling of overwhelming sadness yet exhilaration that I had done something I thought I was incapable of doing.
Later a thought came to me after listening to President Bill Clinton being interviewed. Clinton, who has established an organization called Global Initiative said that selflessness and selfishness can be the same thing. One can give because it is a selfless thing to do, but at the same time it can be selfish if it is done to make the giver feel better about himself or herself. He said he was selfish. I don't think he is, but I knew exactly what he meant.
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