Sometimes I Feel Like A Motherless Child

My grandson Carter and I made a rhubarb pie this afternoon and while we were working I started singing the song, Sometimes I Feel Like a Motherless Child. Carter said, “You aren’t a motherless child.  You have a son down the road who bought you a present for Mother’s Day and you get it after dinner “

I told him that although I was his father’s mother, my mother was gone so I was a motherless child.  Carter started to contemplate what had happened to my mother and remarked that she must have gotten ill and not been able to live. I have never told my grandchildren about my mother’s passing but I said to Carter, “My mother didn’t want to live anymore, so she didn’t.” Then I changed the subject.

This morning as I was perusing all the Mother’s Day greetings, pictures and love effusing on Face book I felt weepy. I am now 17 years older than my mother was when she died. Yet I still feel like a child when I think of her.  

I decided to go for a walk in the rain to lift my spirits.  I took the camera and discovered that a cool rainy spring day brings out countless shades of green. Water droplets emphasize blossoms and violets are a soft purple in the wet grass.  

We now having stepping stones in the pond where a bridge used to be and I marveled at the beauty of the large field stones my husband and son put into place because I thought it would be a good idea and reminded me of some we crossed in England.  

Groupings of trillium stood out on this rainy day as large white reminders of what it means to live for a short time and bring complete happiness for those who can see their beauty.  

I went back home knowing it is alright to still miss my mother after all these years.  It is alright to feel the emotions that a day like this can bring no matter what the circumstances.  

As Carter and I finished up making the pie I felt that having the little guy by my side was a gift I would always treasure and maybe in turn I was giving him a gift as well. The other day, out of nowhere, Carter kissed me on top of the head while I was playing the piano and Avery was singing.  It was an unexpected joy that lasted for a second.  What more could I ask for? 

If I wasn’t a mother or grandmother I would find a child to mother. There is nothing better than caring for someone who might miss you when you’re gone.  

My mother Ellen holding my sister Nancy
along with my older brother Jerry
and me ca. 1949.

If you do not know the song Sometimes I Feel Like a Motherless Child there is a very soulful rendition by Odetta on You Tube.  You might also like her singing This Little Light of Mine.