The clock blinked from 3:59 a.m. to 4:00 a.m. and I had been awake since before 3:00 or so I thought. There is something so depressing about not being able to sleep in the middle of the night. Thoughts seem more intensified in the dark hours.
When I had to go to work everyday, the longer I was awake in the night, the more anxious I felt. I would start to figure out what time I would definitely have to fall asleep in order to get at least six hours of shut eye.
Not being at home and not sleeping is even worse. I have sleeping pills for emergencies, but if I haven't taken one before midnight, then it is too late. I have been known to sit on the floor in a hotel bathroom reading in the wee hours of the morning because I cannot sleep and there is no other room to go to.
Once at home I actually went for a walk in the dark. I was particularly troubled over something and yelled into the night. I wouldn't recommend that to someone who lives in town, but the country allows a certain amount of insane behavior.
One thing that helps me is a journal I keep on my nightstand. If I can't sleep I often go to another room as to not wake my husband and write down what I am thinking. It can be something good that happened, a problem I am pondering over or just pure angst. The first page has the title The Midnight Hour.
Bits and pieces of certain entries read like this - Dec. 5, 2012 - Maybe it is the lack of snow or the chilly air or no sense of self. Whatever it is, I am feeling sad. The thought came to me today that I could live 30 more years and it made me shudder. I need a plan for the last passage of my life. What do I want to accomplish yet?
March ?, 2013 - It is 2:59 and it is another sleepless night. Winter hit again and it has affected my mood. I am starting to feel hemmed in by messes I have here and there throughout the house.
March 30, 2013 - I have to say I have been extremely contented this last month. I've worked about 6 hours in my antique booth and I love how it looks. I am eager for the season to start. I am looking forward to getting out a few summer clothes and heading south. It has been awhile since we've taken our own car on a road trip.
April 18, 2013 - I want us to build a little get away place by the pond. I want to use if for writing and sales.....I don't know what advice to give my children. Maybe just listening is all I should do. I think a mother's role is never finished - it just ends one day.
May 13, 2013 - In the middle of the night I always think negative thoughts.
If I have been awake too long I do have a last resort although I should be embarrassed to admit it. There really is only one thing that will get me back to sleep and I only use it as a desperate measure. I gently wake up my husband and whine, " I can't sleep." Through his grogginess he starts massaging my back. It relaxes me immediately and almost always puts me to sleep.
I was at my daughter's without my husband recently and when the clock blinked 4:20 a.m. I knew there was no help. Luckily I had a good book that could make me sleepy and if that didn't work I could look forward to coffee by 7:00 a.m. I opened my book and began to plan my afternoon nap.
When I had to go to work everyday, the longer I was awake in the night, the more anxious I felt. I would start to figure out what time I would definitely have to fall asleep in order to get at least six hours of shut eye.
Not being at home and not sleeping is even worse. I have sleeping pills for emergencies, but if I haven't taken one before midnight, then it is too late. I have been known to sit on the floor in a hotel bathroom reading in the wee hours of the morning because I cannot sleep and there is no other room to go to.
Once at home I actually went for a walk in the dark. I was particularly troubled over something and yelled into the night. I wouldn't recommend that to someone who lives in town, but the country allows a certain amount of insane behavior.
One thing that helps me is a journal I keep on my nightstand. If I can't sleep I often go to another room as to not wake my husband and write down what I am thinking. It can be something good that happened, a problem I am pondering over or just pure angst. The first page has the title The Midnight Hour.
Bits and pieces of certain entries read like this - Dec. 5, 2012 - Maybe it is the lack of snow or the chilly air or no sense of self. Whatever it is, I am feeling sad. The thought came to me today that I could live 30 more years and it made me shudder. I need a plan for the last passage of my life. What do I want to accomplish yet?
March ?, 2013 - It is 2:59 and it is another sleepless night. Winter hit again and it has affected my mood. I am starting to feel hemmed in by messes I have here and there throughout the house.
March 30, 2013 - I have to say I have been extremely contented this last month. I've worked about 6 hours in my antique booth and I love how it looks. I am eager for the season to start. I am looking forward to getting out a few summer clothes and heading south. It has been awhile since we've taken our own car on a road trip.
April 18, 2013 - I want us to build a little get away place by the pond. I want to use if for writing and sales.....I don't know what advice to give my children. Maybe just listening is all I should do. I think a mother's role is never finished - it just ends one day.
May 13, 2013 - In the middle of the night I always think negative thoughts.
If I have been awake too long I do have a last resort although I should be embarrassed to admit it. There really is only one thing that will get me back to sleep and I only use it as a desperate measure. I gently wake up my husband and whine, " I can't sleep." Through his grogginess he starts massaging my back. It relaxes me immediately and almost always puts me to sleep.
I was at my daughter's without my husband recently and when the clock blinked 4:20 a.m. I knew there was no help. Luckily I had a good book that could make me sleepy and if that didn't work I could look forward to coffee by 7:00 a.m. I opened my book and began to plan my afternoon nap.
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